I am not even sure where to start with all of my feelings. Over the last couple of days I have come across a few posts of bloggers feeling the same way, one even called it a "douching" of sorts. (ya know, clean it out and start again fresh) Maybe everyone is going through a "phase" is it a full moon or something?
So, first I will start with my husband...... he is a big-fat PAIN IN MY ASS!! Really he is just so miserable 80% of the time. I know he just had his neck surgery, and he can't help it (with being on enough pain meds to kill a herd of cow) but I have been dealing with this for years now, (he has been home, disabled for 7 years now). Not sure how much more of this I can take for my own sanity and for the well-being of my kids. It is harsh to say, I love him and all....but it really has taken a toll on me, our marriage and I believe my kids have missed-out on a lot. I do everything around here and to make matters worse he is a slob, hoarder so between him and his fucking bird they make more of a mess then me, Nick and Tom put together!! I daydream about how much easier my life would probably be if I was on my own with just the boys.
Then there is his whole family... his mother, father, brother and the 3 kids he has from his 1st marriage!! Ya know what, that is just tooo long of a story to go into now. I could write an entire BOOK on how much bullshit and agony each and everyone of them have caused me!! Let's just say they are ALL fucking losers and move on!
Sometimes I honestly can sit here and say I HATE my life there is soo much stress put on me by others and myself. I try so hard at being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, PTO vice-president and all around good person. But I feel like I SUCK soo bad all of them (oh, boy get out your violins.....I smell a "pity party" coming on) I feel lazy, fat, and stupid most of the time! If you are thinking "poor Tina" DON'T..... I am FAT (could stand to lose a good 75lbs) , I am LAZY (just take a look around my house and the piles of laundry not done) and STUPID. I can give you a perfect example of "stupid"... my 9yr old who is in 4th grade asked me what a shape was (he drew a picture of it on his white board) I told him "I don't know" he looked at me and started to tear up. So I said, "what, do you have a test today or something?" to which he responded "yes". Oh God, I felt like the biggest piece of SHIT, so I ran to my laptop and searched "shapes" and found the one he drew , ya know what it was ..........a FUCKING TRAPEZOID. I couldn't tell my 9yr old 4th grader what a trapezoid was! I cried when he left for school. When I don't understand what my 16yr old Junior in High School is talking about , I don't feel as dumb. He is a very very smart kid in all Honor classes, but to not be able to help your 4th grader out is just plain depressing!
My house is a disater, filled with clutter in every nook and crany..... I mean if you came over you would think by most standards it is "clean" but every drawer, closet, cabinet and nook is filled to the brim with SHIT. I feel like it is all suffocating me sometimes....but it is all so overwhelming you never know where to start. It is all a vicious cycle, maybe if I cleaned the clutter in my head, I could clean the physical clutter... or is it vice-a-versa??
I DON'T KNOW and if anyone out there has the answer or the "magic pill" I am open to all advice and donations of medication!
I am really a "happy-go-lucky" person.... well I used to be. I really feel like that person is still inside of me, but is sometime suppressed by all the stresses of LIFE. I am going to use this as a cleanse and try to move past it. Some of these things are out of my control and I have to just accept that, but what I really need to do is work on the things I can control and change.
So there it is.....my crappy life in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't tooo uncomfortable for ya!!
Going to get ready for a visit from my little grandson Tyler..... I know for a fact he can put a smile on my face!!