I am not even sure where to start with all of my feelings. Over the last couple of days I have come across a few posts of bloggers feeling the same way, one even called it a "douching" of sorts. (ya know, clean it out and start again fresh) Maybe everyone is going through a "phase" is it a full moon or something?
So, first I will start with my husband...... he is a big-fat PAIN IN MY ASS!! Really he is just so miserable 80% of the time. I know he just had his neck surgery, and he can't help it (with being on enough pain meds to kill a herd of cow) but I have been dealing with this for years now, (he has been home, disabled for 7 years now). Not sure how much more of this I can take for my own sanity and for the well-being of my kids. It is harsh to say, I love him and all....but it really has taken a toll on me, our marriage and I believe my kids have missed-out on a lot. I do everything around here and to make matters worse he is a slob, hoarder so between him and his fucking bird they make more of a mess then me, Nick and Tom put together!! I daydream about how much easier my life would probably be if I was on my own with just the boys.
Then there is his whole family... his mother, father, brother and the 3 kids he has from his 1st marriage!! Ya know what, that is just tooo long of a story to go into now. I could write an entire BOOK on how much bullshit and agony each and everyone of them have caused me!! Let's just say they are ALL fucking losers and move on!
Sometimes I honestly can sit here and say I HATE my life there is soo much stress put on me by others and myself. I try so hard at being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, PTO vice-president and all around good person. But I feel like I SUCK soo bad all of them (oh, boy get out your violins.....I smell a "pity party" coming on) I feel lazy, fat, and stupid most of the time! If you are thinking "poor Tina" DON'T..... I am FAT (could stand to lose a good 75lbs) , I am LAZY (just take a look around my house and the piles of laundry not done) and STUPID. I can give you a perfect example of "stupid"... my 9yr old who is in 4th grade asked me what a shape was (he drew a picture of it on his white board) I told him "I don't know" he looked at me and started to tear up. So I said, "what, do you have a test today or something?" to which he responded "yes". Oh God, I felt like the biggest piece of SHIT, so I ran to my laptop and searched "shapes" and found the one he drew , ya know what it was ..........a FUCKING TRAPEZOID. I couldn't tell my 9yr old 4th grader what a trapezoid was! I cried when he left for school. When I don't understand what my 16yr old Junior in High School is talking about , I don't feel as dumb. He is a very very smart kid in all Honor classes, but to not be able to help your 4th grader out is just plain depressing!
My house is a disater, filled with clutter in every nook and crany..... I mean if you came over you would think by most standards it is "clean" but every drawer, closet, cabinet and nook is filled to the brim with SHIT. I feel like it is all suffocating me sometimes....but it is all so overwhelming you never know where to start. It is all a vicious cycle, maybe if I cleaned the clutter in my head, I could clean the physical clutter... or is it vice-a-versa??
I DON'T KNOW and if anyone out there has the answer or the "magic pill" I am open to all advice and donations of medication!
I am really a "happy-go-lucky" person.... well I used to be. I really feel like that person is still inside of me, but is sometime suppressed by all the stresses of LIFE. I am going to use this as a cleanse and try to move past it. Some of these things are out of my control and I have to just accept that, but what I really need to do is work on the things I can control and change.
So there it is.....my crappy life in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't tooo uncomfortable for ya!!
Going to get ready for a visit from my little grandson Tyler..... I know for a fact he can put a smile on my face!!
Thanks
xoxo
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12 comments:
Girl, it is a full moon. I feel you and your pain.
Awwww, my friend I wish I could help! But if it makes you feel better, I wouldn't know what shape a trapezoid was if I sat on it. I guess I better go google it now.......
a trapezoid is a shape? i thought it was a spaceship or alien or something... hhhmmmm
Have faith...this too shall pass. I endured some tough times last year after my husband had back surgery...he ended up addicted to those pain killers and about walked us right into divorce. It wasn't pretty. It was miserable, exhausting, lonely and I hated every last minute of it. But, it passed. Not without suffering, not without heart ache, not without anger and frustration and a whole lot of prayer. But, it passed. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. In the meantime, I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Stay strong.
See now I thought a trapezoid was something they used at the circus!
I sure hope you feel better now! That was cleansing at its best girl!!
I would also advise you to :
Stop
Breathe....
Then throw something...hard...at someone....then run....fast
And cut yourself some slack....perhaps in the shape of a trapezoid.
xoxoxoMelyssa
Hi Tina. You're right - what a doozy but the beauty of blogging is getting it all out and then having blog friends there to listen and support you. :) Sounds like you have your hands full. No flames from me. None of us are superwoman. You just do what you can, hang in there and make the best choices and change what you can. I hope things work out. I hope you get a break and I hope you have an awesome weekend.
Thank you for helping me out - it means so much to me and I hear ya on the bathroom! I use a separate bathroom than my husband. Boys are gross! :)
Roeshel
funny how little ones can put the biggest smile on our face. I can understand exactly what you are saying my husband is also disabled and been home for several years. My husbands family has not always been the greatest and this day we do not do alot of chatting. I hope that the post helped you to get it out and is it not wonderful that a blog does exactly that
T, i dont even know what heck a trapezoid is and now i have to look for myself ... stop being hard on yourself, you are awesome!!!!! i am glad you got to vent and cleanse we all need to do it .... love ya and i am always here for you xoxoxox
A
damn holidays.
It was a full moon.
Who remembers that the shape is called a trapezoid?!
Take some time for yourself, you not only deserve it but you need it and it will benefit everyone around you. You are no good to anyone if you are burnt out.
My blog vents always make me feel better - I hope your did.
Hugs!!!!!!
It's the holidays methinks. All the commercials, advertisements, catalogues are showing families with meticulously decorated houses, smiling clean children, couples that seem like they are still dating even though their kids are big enough to run around the said house without messing up the meticulously decorated rooms... Stuff that stress is made of if you ask me. Forget about the messy house! (Unless you are anal/OCD like I am, then yeah, cleaning up the house would make you feel better...) Homework help? That's what google is for. Seriously. I have my computer on now whenever my son is doing his homework. And my hat's off to you for having waited so long to complain. I also hope your hubby feel better soon even though he's being a pain in your you-know-what.
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